Taylor the Teacher

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I have been sleeping a lot because of the cherry Nyquil I’ve been taking in an attempt to keep the pain from my toothache from boring into my brain and pushing me permanently over the edge. My evil dentist can’t see me until Thursday. That’s only one of the reasons he’s evil. I first discovered his evil nature in April when he pulled a tooth from my mouth. On that day, he was cheerful as an elf on Christmas day as he wrenched a tooth from the back of my excessively tiny mouth, taking bits of gray matter with it. I lost IQ points that day, which might explain this blog. I heard the creaking and wrenching sounds he made — you know, in my HEAD — because he wouldn’t give me gas. Fuck that.

I’m glad he works out. Otherwise I might have had small bits of brain in my mouth while he waited for back up.

He told me to take this one out that is bothering me now out then. But really. Who wants TWO gaping holes in her head at the same time?

I probably should try to save the teeth, but I’ve always had a remarkably small mouth, which makes fillings and root canals in my back teeth a matter for an oral surgeon. Plus, I had to have tons of permanent teeth removed just to make my teeth fit in my mouth in the first place, and the evil dentist said I can afford to lose them. So, I’m going to get a tooth out Thursday, and it’s not a moment too soon.

I said all that to say that the cherry Nyquil is giving me some weird dreams. My brain is so weird that not even drugs can make it slow down.

So last night, my husband and I were in middle school. So, it was important to him, for reasons having to do with his “image” that he not show PDA for me, so he just kissed me on the cheek and said, “There’s your kiss.” And I’m like, “Whatever. Like you haven’t seen every square inch of my body.” Meanwhile, I was trying on a floor-length skirt belonging to June Cleaver, and advising her that while it was beautiful, it would really be better as a tube dress. Much more sexy. Less than impressed with this, she told me to take off her skirt, which I had to do in the back of a tractor-trailer, with my husband keeping watch to make sure nobody (including him) saw me changing.

This all happened while I was up and down all night, so the DVR had play in this. At some point, I was beamed around various places by The Force (brought on, no doubt by the fact that I’m preparing for a sci-fi unit in Film Criticism, plus the fact that I’m a geek who records not only Star Trek: The Next Generation, but also Star Trek: Voyager on a regular basis AND frequently falls asleep with the TV on.) I woke up to get some Diet Dr. Pepper, thinking with all seriousness that the last dream was more Star Wars because of the fantasy elements, even though it took place in the Star Trek universe, complete with Seven of Nine, my new favorite ST character.

So, while on the porch having a cigarette & some Diet Dr. Pepper at 1:30 in the morning, after about 8 hours of sleep, I open Google reader and read a couple of posts by Dooce. Then go right back down.

Then starts the Dooce sequence of dreams which includes having a fish fry at Dooce’s house, with tons of other people there, my adolescent husband from before among them. Apparently I’m still only 12 or 13, too, because I pissed off dooce by running all around her house and keeping Leta up, long after all the other guests had left. The weird thing about the fish fry was that the fish they were frying didn’t seem right to me. They were FISH TANK fish. So, I was skeptical. I wanted other food, and made that known. I wasn’t about to eat fried goldfish or fried angelfish. They’re cute. I wanted catfish or crabs or scallops.

Finally Dooce ran me out of her house, but not before I woke Leta up. We left in the rain, and the trunk of my car was leaking. All over June’s skirt and Dooce’s purse. As I left, Leta (now fully awake due to my antics) said to the security guard that was apparently a normal sight at the Armstrong home, “Leave me alone, Guard!”

And I said, “That’s right, Leta!”

Then I had to navigate a maze that would take more words than it’s worth.

Tonight I’m going to try to endure w/o the cherry Nyquil.