2007 Newsmakers Who Can Kiss My Plastic White Ass: The Short List

There were so many worthy candidates for this list, but since I want to have some fun on New Year’s Eve, here is the short list of people who need to kiss my plastic white ass.

Nick Saban

Nick Satan Saban used to be our coach. When we hired him, it was a big deal to us, as he was the highest paid coach in LSU’s history. Everything was great. Then, he left to coach for the Dolphins. This pissed me off, but everyone said I was over reacting. Lots of money, chance to coach for the pros, blah, blah, blah. I still said it was shitty for him to leave. Call me stubborn.

But then he showed his true colors. [Notice the comment from lttlrprincess: “he speaks with a forked tongue.”]

From Wikipedia, “Nick Saban announced on January 3, 2007 that he accepted an offer to become Alabama’s 27th head coach, following a meeting with Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga.”

So, he left the NFL to go to another SEC school, and told a coon-ass joke as he took the new job? He’s first in the ass kissing line.

Then, he’ll need to get back in line to wait for a second turn.

Good thing we’re about to take home a crystal football without him.

Alabama’s 2007 record?

7-6 (4-4 SEC)

Hope he had fun at the Independence Bowl.

Insane Asshole Gunmen

If you’re out there, and you’re an insane asshole who’s thinking of offing yourself, just go ahead and do it without the traditional ritual of murdering innocent people. The media circus that you believe will make your pissant life worthwhile won’t.

I would tell you to get help. If you’re still sane enough to do so, by all means, do it. But if you really insist on shooting someone, start with yourself.

Windows Vista

How can I count the ways that Windows Vista sucks? Six minute restarts? The need to restart 3 or four times a day? Incompatibility with almost everything? Constantly asking permission 75 times for every operation?

After I bought my laptop and used Vista for one week, I called Dell back and asked them to take it back and give me XP. They said Microsoft wouldn’t let them. Nice.

The suckage of Windows Vista would require a whole new rubric and standard of suckitude. I realize that Vista was released in 2006, not 2007, but I didn’t get it until 2007, therefore it pissed me off in 2007. Looking forward to more of the same in 2008.

AT & T

The fact that AT&T is sucking the NSA’s dick is reason enough for them to take their turn, but they also tried to use their user agreement to hold customers’ free speech rights hostage. This is why I will NEVER own an iPhone until someone other than AT & T provides service for it. I don’t care that they changed their minds when people got mad. They’re too big for their widdle britches.

In fact, Steve Jobs & AT & T can each take a cheek. Even though I have no other problem with Jobs, he’ll have to stay in the pucker line until iPhone is opened up to service providers who don’t have wet dreams about curtailing my civil liberties. After that, he can get out of line on probationary status. As long as he doesn’t fuck up again, he’ll be ok.

George W. Bush

Oh, where to start? So many things to point out, but here’s one of about a hundred reasons Bush can kiss my ass:

President Bush signed into law NSPD 51 (National Security Presidential Directive 51) on May 9, 2007. If you don’t believe me (which, if you continue to read, you won’t) read the full text of the president’s document. He released it to the public himself, relying on the Corporate Media to ignore it, the Congress to be too afraid to address it (or too greedy for power themselves should the presidency become theirs in 2008,) the Internet to be too chaotic and vast to disseminate it, and the American public too shallow to bother with it. Or too stupid to read it. Not that you could blame him, since he also relied on his legal sharks to make it almost impossible to read. Meaning and language are officially divorced here in Oceania. [I swear, much as I hate to make laws or increase the size of government, there should be a Translator in Chief, whose job it is to decipher government bullshit for normal people.]

What this “Presidential Directive” does is give the president emergency powers in case of a natural or economic disaster, invasion, etc. The terms defining his taking of absolute power are vague.

Here’s a veteran of the U.S. military blogging on this issue. Here’s what CNN.com has to say.
Here’s what the Christian Science Monitor has to say.

He did this with no approval from congress and no discussion in the media. America didn’t even notice. Isn’t something like this at least worthy of discussion?

Dick Cheney

Dick needs to pucker up because, to quote House Resolution 333, he should be impeached for:

1. purposely manipulating the intelligence process to deceive the citizens and Congress of the United States by fabricating a threat of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, as well as
2. fabricating a threat about an alleged relationship between Iraq and al Qaeda, in order to justify the use of the U.S. Armed Forces against Iraq in a manner damaging to U.S. national security interests; and
3. in violation of his constitutional oath and duty, has openly threatened aggression against Iran absent any real threat to the United States, and has done so with the proven U.S. capability to carry out such threats, thus undermining U.S. national security.

My husband has an idea for Cheney: He can pay for this war he loves so much by touring the country in a cage and letting people pay to throw things at him. He’d raise so much money, he might even be able to liberate a whole new country.

Blackwater

I’m so loving that these thug motherfuckers are in the process of changing their name from Blackwater USA to Blackwater Worldwide. That says volumes, doesn’t it? Look out world, they’re coming for your ass.

Do I really have to list the atrocities? If you missed the Blackwater parade of wrongs, just keep your head up. There are more to come. Or, you know, do a Google search.

The most important thing about Blackwater is this: The military is supposed to be subject to civilian authority. Period. Mercenary armies are completely unacceptable for a “democratic” society.

What About You?

So there’s my list. Other possible candidates abounded, but I’d like to hear yours. Each of my readers is entitled to put one person in this Kiss Taylor’s Ass line. Tell me what you think!

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