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The reason I didn’t post this letter when I originally said I would ~besides many pressing and glamorous social engagements~ is that I started writing the post, realized I should tell you about it first, then talked to you on the phone. Now I question all I wrote before. Which is ironic, given the advice I wrote, as you will see.
Now, you’re calling me Taylor instead of Mrs. Scott. Becoming friends instead of teacher/student is turning a corner that I haven’t turned before in my short career as a teacher. This is greatly helped, of course, by facebook. That’s fascinating to me. Hierarchies are changing so fast. The man is scared to death. ~sorry, you know i make everything political~ But seriously, the world is changing so fast I feel like I can have no idea what your life is like. ~plus, i’m nobody to be giving advice. i have learned absolutely everything the hard way. several times~
So, I’m thinking that maybe none of this is relevant to you. Maybe it will be relevant later, maybe it will be relevant to someone else. But this is what I’ve got:
Things seem crazy. You’re planning a wedding! ~that is actually the least of it. still. it rocks.~ Things will always seem crazy. The worst thing you can do right now is question your own decisions. As long as they were your own decisions. I say this because I know I have always questioned my decisions ~to my own harm~ when I considered how my actions would look to other people. Sometimes I’ve done this before they were my decisions, but I mistook them for my own. ~way confusing~
When I was your age, I viewed life as some grand contest. Losing this contest would be humiliating for me and everyone that knows me. ~like, if i screw up, we’ll all just have to put dirt on our heads and wail~ As though I had to “get it right” and QUICK, or I was a loser. But things never seemed to add up neatly the way they do on resumes. If I was doing great in one area, I was lacking in another. This caused me to try even harder. ~i told you i learn the hard way~
It has only recently occurred to me that those external, on-paper measurements really are irrelevant. ~i fault the adage, “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” - it’s over used, so everyone dismisses it~ It has taken me way too long to realize that success at life isn’t what I thought it was. You are already a success, although you may not always feel like it. The sooner you realize you’ve already won, and that what THEY say doesn’t matter, the sooner you will be able to enjoy your success.
To me, all those years ago, older people seemed to give the impression that there are some secret rules in the sky — that they have access to the “right” answers in life. Always trying to pass THEIR answers off as THE answers. As though life was just so simple that I could just whisper under my breath, “What’s the answer to number 12?” And they could answer, “C.”
I know it’s not just that easy. I guess I felt I needed an explanation for trying to act all Yoda when you told me you are getting married. Then again, I can’t help myself. I’m just an old fart. ~or the female equivalent of fart~
And I’m excited for you. Love! Germany! Wedding!
I love hearing from you. ~i sound like my grandmother~
But seriously, life is cool. I want to hear how yours is going.
1 response so far ↓
1 Kristina // Mar 17, 2008 at 12:43 pm
You know… I spoke to my, now husband, last night about your message. I’m really glad that you wrote it. It pretty much confirmed for me what I’ve been trying to explain to people all along. What I mean is this… Before my husband and I were married we had many people who gave us “the right” advice. What we noticed, though, was that they were giving us advice that came from their own experiences and their own trials. These promises of failure or warnings to be careful came from their failures and fears of the past. Their state of mind was that they made the mistakes therefore my husband and I would make the same. I saw then what I still see now… we are not them. We are two completely different human beings with different backgrounds. And now with one even bigger argument then mine, thanks to you, we come from different times… different days and ages. It makes the world of difference. Someone who lived their youth in the 1940’s, 1960’s, 80’s and so on… is not going to have the same experience as someone who’s youth was in the 1990’s or 2000’s. Every year, every decade, there is some kind of new revolution that changes the way people think and act. Society changes, therefore the way we think is much more different than the way our parents and grandparents think. It seems like you are the first of my ‘advice givers’ to realize this. So many people have the right knowledge, so many others do too. Right? Geez. I suppose when it comes to a topic such as marriage there is no right answer. Everyone has to find what works for them. Maybe there are some preferred guidelines that are helpful, but nothing can be set in stone.
You said two things that really caught my eye. “Calling me Taylor, instead of Mrs. Scott” and ” The man is scared to death”. I want to address these both separately and then together.
The first- Befriending a student, even though it is after the student has left the school, is something that all teachers fear getting in trouble for. It seems so silly to the former students because we are no longer the student. We have crossed that line from high school to the real world, from child to adult. Somehow it just doesn’t seem fair to us that we can not have a proper relationship with those who have taught us so much. Some, like you and me, ignore the rule because we all realize that one bad apple does not ruin the whole batch. Just because one teacher has an inappropriate relation with a minor, does not mean all will. Just because one marriage fails, does not mean all will. If that were the case, then that would mean all people are criminals, thieves, liars, adulterers, etc. We are all evil. However, we all know that is a lie… therefore some of us are good. Going back to befriending a former student. I’m sure the rule was set in place because someone had a good reason, or even a few good reasons, for why it should be there. What they do not see now is that times have changed. People and the way people think have changed. Teachers, who are definitely not as careful as you, are getting into trouble for the most stupid things… it seems so unjustifiable. It is so unreal. You can’t protect every single person from everything bad. Our world is so chaotic and people just throw down rules with, what seems, not even having fully thought them through. I mean ’seems’ because they think they have, but have you ever heard of any school board committee asking the student’s opinion? Or the former students opinion? When have you ever heard of a student, or a student body, going in front of any school board and presenting an argument for why they think a rule should or should not be set in motion or should be changed? Do they really hit every side of the argument before they make the decision? For so many generations the youth of our world has sat back and taken whatever it was given. “Play the hand you were dealt” is what I have always been told. No, not anymore. Our generation is setting in motion more than just rules. We are setting change. (And on to the politics for me.) Have you heard the news? Seen the discussions about present day youths taking their stands at the polls. We are voting to make our say be known. We are speaking up and letting those ‘not so present day thinkers’ understand that we are here and that we know and care. Students and teachers are not allowed to have a relationship… but what kind of relationship exactly should be band? I understand a sexual or dirty relationship. But why can a former student not be allowed to be simply friends with their former teacher. It does not make sense. This must be changed. It’s a silly restriction.
Now, your comment of “The man is scared”. In my opinion… there are two different ages of “the man”. There are the older generations… the ones who are set in their ways- afraid to change or to undermine the “authority”. And there is the younger generations… the ones who are for change. People like you and me. We are no longer the man. We are forever changed and we want to make our mark on this planet, and the people on it, while we still can. Which is exactly what we are doing. Our mark, no matter how small, is still a mark. Our presence on this planet, in this world, makes some kind of difference, no matter how small or big, and our simple presence of being in any place at any time makes a chain reaction. We make a difference that the naked eye could never see. Each life, each action, each word spoken to each person changes life as we know it. It’s such a giant, detailed, and big chain that connects the entire world… only God can see the big picture. We are tiny links in something so huge. We can’t see it all, but we know it is there. What we see is our world. My world changes your world, your world touches and changes so many student’s world, their worlds venture out to touches other’s worlds. Do you see how important you are? How important every life is? We effect this world so drastically and we don’t always see it.
We are now friends because we are tired of the ‘Big Brother’. We are tired of being told who we can and can not befriend. There are rules and then there are mindless restrictions. It is such a humiliating restriction and we refuse to be beaten down by an invisible say so whom we care nothing about because of it’s mindless restrictions.
“The worst thing you can do right now is question your own decisions. As long as they were your own decisions.” Funny you should say that. You are not the first. Ahaha.. my Aunt shoved everyone out of my dressing room 30 minutes before our wedding just to say “Now, I want you to understand that this is your decision. You can always say no. It’s not too late to say no, you know? You do know don’t you?” Ahaha… she then proceeded to say “I know that sounds harsh but I just want to make sure that you are sure that this is 100% your decision only because you want it to be. Not because you feel pressured by some outside force. Just be sure that this is your own decision.” You have no idea how I laughed when I read that part of your message. The scene with my Aunt played over in my head.
“Losing this contest would be humiliating for me and everyone that knows me. ~like, if i screw up, we’ll all just have to put dirt on our heads and wail~ As though I had to “get it right” and QUICK, or I was a loser.” I never said all things change over time. It is still very much like that today as it was when you were young. People still contest and fear the better being taken from them, as if they had it in the first place. But, what really is the better? It reminds me of high school. Some things never change, even after high school. It was the difference between the preps, aka the popular/cool kids, the mediums, and the losers. You see it everyday in society. The snobs, the middle class, and then the poor. Someone always has to feel better than the other- that they must treat another like they are something less than themselves. It’s a terrible cycle, yet it continues. But what really makes a person is not what is on the outside- but as you said “on the inside”. What is on the inside is what is overlooked and so many people miss so many wonderful opportunities in life. It seems backwards that something that should be valuable is so invaluable.
My husband and I discussed this when we were first discussing marriage. What if we fail? What if we get ourselves into a horrible situation and it comes time to end what we agreed to begin? Well, society would not be pleased, that’s for sure. Friends, family, outside people looking in. Or what if it isn’t even that bad.. what if we just mess something up like gain bad credit, lose our home, something else that society looks down upon. Well, it’d suck… but we’d make do. We’d be fine just as long as we did our best. And if what we tried wasn’t enough… well, then we’d try something new. What I mean is… we promised to do everything in our absolute power to keep from quitting… and whatever happened from there was meant to be. Sometimes people make bad decisions, sometimes things just do not work out… but for us quitting is not an option. Not as long as we have not exhausted every single option out there. Failure is something that everyone has to come to terms with at some point… but the real failure is when you do not give your all. Make sense?
“…female equivalent of fart…” FART?! OLD FART?! AHAHAHAHA… hardly Taylor. Hardly!
Don’t worry… there’s lots more to come.
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