Taylor the Teacher

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First, listen to this song. It’s short, I promise:

If you didn’t care what happened to me

And I didn’t care for you

We would zigzag our way through the boredom and pain

Occasionally glancing up through the rain

Wondering which of the buggers to blame

And watching for pigs on the wing

~ Pigs on the Wing part 1, by Pink Floyd, from Animals

Today in the Barnes and Noble while I was killing time before our luncheon, I considered backing out of going at all. I didn’t yet realize that I never RSVP’d in the first place. But I know exactly why I didn’t. For the same reason I almost pointed the car toward home. I’m scared of social situations, and I had no idea how I was going to be feeling. When I got the email I told myself I would go, decided to go, wrote it in my calendar, but hesitated to make the commitment. Then the email got buried.

I only went because I thought I had RSVP’d and, that being the case, NOT going would have sent a message I didn’t want to send.

My assumption was that my leaving mattered to no one. You are the first adults in that building to show me otherwise.

When J. came in & told me that I didn’t RSVP I felt bad, but only for a minute. She made me feel welcome immediately, and I figured it was okay. This is a big deal for me because I’m practically NEVER comfortable even in the best situations. Then when I realized there were gifts, I felt even worse because you didn’t know I was coming and I was afraid I’d created an awkward situation for you when you were trying to do something loving.

But again, that lasted only a minute. Today was the first time in years I have felt like I was part of something at that school. I can’t believe how cut off I have allowed myself to feel from this department that embraced me so willingly on my ~almost~ last day.

And after the attitude I’ve had lately!

How many times have I told my students that you CANNOT hide your attitude? Attitudes are like aromas. The source may be hidden, but nothing hides the aroma, or in my case, the stench. I stopped even trying to hide it about half-way through this year. ~yes, i WAS trying before that. sad, huh?~

If my attitude made your year more difficult to take, I am sorry. I’m weak, and I was doing the best I could. Some of you have dealt with much more than I ~to understate it~ in the last few years, and have taken it with much more grace. I admire you for that.

When I showed my husband the gift you gave me, he said, “Uhhh…. what is it?” ~men~

I was reminded of something Uncle Leo said in Life is Beautiful:

Nothing is more necessary than the unnecessary.

“What’s it for?” the hubby wanted to know. It’s not for anything. It’s a thing of itself. It’s a symbol of a connection. And for me it’s also a reminder of what you taught me today.

I don’t know why I wasn’t able to buck up and soldier it the way some of you have done. ~although you shouldn’t have to~ I’m weird, and weak, and a little off, but I’m sincere. And I sincerely could not sign that contract to come back next year. So, when some of you asked me what was next for me, and I said I didn’t know, that was the absolute truth.

After today, I know this about what’s next:

Whatever I do I will remember how you loved me today. And I will remember whenever I see the lovely, unnecessary gift you gave me that I need people. I will strive never again to let a poisonous environment color my view of everyone in the place. That was a mistake, but in an odd way I don’t regret it because all that fear and estrangement led me to today.

And now I see.

The song I played for you was going through my mind when we were opening the bags. After years of circling around the same theme, Roger Waters truly nailed it in Animals. It’s Pink Floyd’s best. It says what all the other albums say, but tighter & cleaner without losing the Floydian sound or becoming strident. ~like the wall~

Animals is about the powerful and what makes them tick. ~think animal farm~ But Pigs on the Wing, which bookends the rest of the album, is about taking care of each other in spite of what the powerful do. Today you showed me in action.

I wish Martha was here with me so she could make us all laugh as a sign off to this post. I appreciate Martha, and nominate her Chairwoman of the Council of Laughter in the Public Interest.

But it’s just me, a blogging teacher doll, and graduation is in a few hours, so I’ll just say goodbye. And thank you.

You know that I care what happens to you

And I know that you care for me too

So I don’t feel alone

Or the weight of the stone

Now that I’ve found somewhere safe

To bury my bone

And any fool knows a dog needs a home

And shelter from pigs on the wing

~ Pigs on the Wing part 2, by Pink Floyd, from Animals